I grew up knowing something was different about me.
Was it being the math nerd girl who would lock herself in the bedroom and work on math problems for days?
Or was it the obsessive love for Ayumi Hamasaki (浜崎あゆみ) to the point where I ended up learning Japanese on my own for years?
And yet on the outside, I appeared to be a conventionally successful child with good grades (generally, except for subjects I had zero interest in) - good enough to get me into one of the most prestigious universities in the world specializing in STEM. So I thought the way I did schooling - with occasional procrastination - was working.
Until it didn’t.
Every semester would start with an energized, fully rested me feeling invincible, picking anywhere between 6 and 8 classes (the recommended course load was 4), and signing myself up for clubs and volunteering opportunities that seemed interesting and meaningful. Then, with all the problem sets and papers coming at me, my productivity would become inconsistent, and I would start to drop classes or quit extracurricular commitments. The drowning would slowly continue on to the point where I had no time to meaningfully connect with others or seek help. The semester would end in a haze after I somehow magically pulled through the finals getting A’s and A+’s, and I would fly back home with my soul completed sucked out of my body.
I’ve learned many years later that this is called “burnout”. Burnouts are not “normal” and can be a deeply traumatic experience.
The cycle went on. Years of college education. Then grad school. Then work. Then the pandemic hit and we were basically all cut off from the rest of the world in a physical sense. I was having the most excruciating time in getting anything done. I was hitting rock bottom and sought therapy.
My therapist diagnosed me with ADHD in the summer of 2020.
At first, I did not know what to do with this information. All I wanted to know back then was how to get back on track and how to get work done so I wouldn’t fall behind or get exposed as a fraudster who couldn’t deliver. So we tried systems, tools, and tricks. Nothing really stuck. I was still feeling dysregulated with the world being practically on fire.
But things started to make sense, bit by bit. I started to see why the subjects I had strong preferences for felt so easy, and boring subjects felt like death by a thousand cuts. We the Chinese even have a world for that - 偏科. Procrastination was not a character flaw; it was bound to happen when I was not feeling seen or validated along my path of perfectionism.
I was angry with the therapists back in school. How did they not figure this out? Why did they not try evidence-based intervention and actually save me? Then there was grief. To the years that were lost in depression, helplessness, and shame.
It wasn’t until 2024 that I finally understood what ADHD meant for me. I was jokingly asking my wife one day, “Do you think my passions always die quickly?” (你觉得我三分钟热度吗？)
To which she responded not just affirmatively, but also with elaborate examples throughout the last decade where we’ve been together. Every impulsive moment, every hobby, every single thing I said I’d do but ended up giving up halfway through. That this wasn’t how people in her world operated but she just accepted who I was and let me be this way.
That conversation led to many more conversations down the line with other Chinese women who had struggled with motivation and productivity throughout their life. We read books together written by women with ADHD and learned what having ADHD truly meant for women. We laughed about how our brains just run away and get lost in the wild when we were in meetings and classes that we didn’t give a damn about. We described to each other how there was always a burning fire or a high-speed shinkansen in our heart that could not be stopped no matter how hard we tried. The struggles were everywhere in our lives and we finally had an answer that connected everything.
Understanding doesn’t solve ADHD problems right away, but it is a critical starting point. It allows compassion to come in and to replace the space occupied by self-blame. Here are the tried-and-true that I teach in my coaching sessions that are worth exploring, on your own or with an ADHD-informed specialist:
How ADHD relates to your life story
Accept you for who you are
Find a balance between what the world asks of you and your true self
What were the roles of your culture, education, and family?
What were the roles of shame and trauma?
How ADHD interacts with and reinforces other behavioral patterns
Perfectionism
Stress- and deadline-induced productivity boost
Fear for failure
Imposter syndrome
How you can change your behavior
Explore your values and set boundaries
Seek help and support, always
Get away from environments that prevent you from changing
Stronger self-awareness
Observe emotions, stress levels, and triggers
Adopt effective intervention before stress hits
Hold a compassionate space for your failures and view them as opportunities to learn something about yourself
Five years from my initial diagnosis, I firmly believe today that even with ADHD, peace and productivity can co-exist. We are not flawed or inferior in any way.
If this resonates with you, I warmly invite you to join me on this journey of discovery and acceptance.